The Aftermath of an Attempt: Leaking
It has been over a year and half since I attempted suicide. I’m in a place in my life where things are changing and it feels appropriate to revisit this event in my life. The day that I overdosed, one of my best friends Jaunell came and saw me in the hospital. By the time she had come to see me I was drinking a cup of activated charcoal, nearing the end of the cup, Jaunell showed up.
She had tried to call my phone and when I didn’t answer she went to my house and my mother explained to her what had happened.
When she came to the hospital, she stood and talked for a while but I was still not very lucid and I couldn’t make sense of anything. She got teary eyed and I hugged her before she left. I didn’t realize how monstrous I looked until I saw myself in a mirror after I sobered up. My entire mouth, teeth and tongue were entirely black from charcoal.
Wanting to approach the subject, I asked Jaunell to write me an account of how things went that day, so I can work on a body of work with her perspective as a guide and insight on how it effected my loved ones.
This is an excerpt of her writing:
"When I found you, you looked like a baby, or a puppy or some other helpless thing. Your eyes got huge as you tried to comprehend me. It was relieving to realize your stupor because I had no idea what to say but thank god because now it didn’t matter.
It was a wonderful and ugly thing to watch you drink of cup of black. It stained you and saved you and tasted like shit. I wanted to be excited for the science of it but it didn’t look scientific on you, it looked like you tried to kill yourself. How that we were there I expected the fear to leave but this was still a hospital and it felt too much like a beginning.
Even now I feel the complications of your death. You showed it to me as something leaking out of you. I still see it sometimes. You pull it out for me to look at but I don’t know how to interpret what I see. How do I respond to it? Should I accept it as part of you or can I will it out of your mind? I don’t know how to help you of if I am even the person to do that.”